This letter is to a very special person in my life right now.
This sort of thing is not common for me. Matters concerning my thoughts and feelings are usually kept within my mind and when being expressed tangibly, I fail or cower. This is the only way I can efficiently express myself. However, this time, I feel as if I owe it to myself to embody these inescapable feelings with someone like you. My fond feelings of you give you numerous exceptions and I implore that you read this entire letter. It's my gift to you as a breathing, bleeding “human." If that's what you want to call it.
From my own two eyes, from what I can see, you and I are alike in numerous ways. Just as much as you and I are very different. I may be wrong with my assumptions about you. And I know I am. But that’s why I am intrigued and pulled upward and forward and lulled into an enigma that coalesce both harmony and dissonance. That’s my peculiar fascination which gains my respect and adoration for you. The essence of your being is so pure in all aspects of appearances. Not pure as in innocent. Just the utmost intense quintessence of you, yourself, Jerome. Your façade, accompanied by a state of mind that roams aimlessly. If you ever noticed, the wind push leaves in spirals as the flutter. With a purpose. No one knows why they dance. They just do. Indulging in their reckless flurry. Just like I don’t know why you do certain things. Acting on a child like instinct. Baffling. Leaving me entertained or in a frustrated stupor cause I’m too in love and stupid enough to indulge my time trying to understand your mannerisms. I finally understood. To be comfortable with people like you is to throw away my logical mindset. Relax and let things be. And that’s how I wasn’t at first when we finally started opening up to each other; when I finally got to witness the slow uprising force clinging to my heart and throat. A random splatter of emotions morphing shapes seen through a kaleidoscope. I’m spoiled and I wanted things my way. I wanted reality to make sense and follow my own imagination of logic. I wanted you to be mine. To call you my “boyfriend”. To have someone “shelter” me. To have a “normal” relationship for once. As all my previous ones were dysfunctional- left me bitter, irritated and scared; alienated. I felt as if I was doing something wrong, pin pointed in a daunting, glaring spot light. My loose grip with reality always had my expectations disappointed, because at some point… I couldn’t tell the difference between my dreams and the staggering truth. I was bored. Too bored. A whimpering, murky sigh escaped my lips; everyday seemed less and less visible as reality. Like a repetitive jaded dream. Like waking up to witness a dying, choking lotus everyday as it whithers and whithers. I had become increasingly overwhelmed especially considering my daily struggles and toiling. Soon… I’d become numb to those feelings and soon…. I couldn’t even recognize the fact that all my feelings and senses were gone. I just went everyday just …going.
It’s apparent that I’m a different person now. Much more stronger. Much more wiser. And that day we finally had an ROTC class, I observed. Most definitely, I was caught off guard by you. You stuck out.. To say the least. Honestly, I didn’t I didn’t think much of your presence at first. Just thought you were fanatical and annoying. Then I heard you actually speak. You spoke with your heart and it made mine flutter. I was intrigued, even a little dumbfounded as I already had my assumptions of you. Negative. Far from serious or deemed anything near respect. Just another man. Then we talked and laughed and shared sighed. At first I was very unsure. Didn't know how to feel. Finally those blank pages had been graced by these soft pastel sunset hues. Champagne pink. Gentles kisses of lilac. Blushing orange and endless warm springs of baby blue. It was bound to happen though. Our feelings intensified and intertwined. With no qualms, I had fallen in love. And somehow, you loved me back. Yet it wasn’t clear to me. I love the vague, hazy feeling you give me. Made me want to work for something. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel as if someone owed me something. Whatever that could be.
Here I am.. sill dumbfounded. Not really sure on how things got this way in between us. and I prefer it that way. I wanted a challenge. Someone not to give in easily giving me some false hopes and senses of security. Cause I know I have to grow up soon. No matter how much I don’t want to. And this is why my heart flutters at the sight of you. This is why I always want to embrace you so deeply that are hearts are practically sharing the same beat and warmth. And this is why my regards for you are so high, My respect. I admire you. I envy you. I even hate you almost simply because… You’re so… YOU! And I love this. The way you carry yourself. The lucid moments where you space out. Your smile . Your eyes. Your glow. It’s all refreshing in its own aesthetic and physical meaning to be around someone who’s personality isn’t tainted by insecurities and spite. Like the aimless wind, you just are. You simply live “ to be”. Unlike me. Third guessing everything I do and say. Mumbling some awkward nonsense. Looking in retrospect, rolling my eyes.
Your eyes. striking me with a overbearing feeling of rushing soft whispers and promises. Smoldering black pupils that are like black diamonds shimmering in a sea of light. Despite the darkness they give off, your eyes has a light like a glimmering candle in a dark room, an endless enigma. From a distance, it's cold and pointless. Pointless to gaze at. Pointless to attain. Stepping and reaching forward manifests this slightly breezy warmth that caresses my arms and cheeks and back. Your skin; washed out peppermint tea and warm sweet nothings. And your voice with our 3 o' clock conversations. Basking in each others presence. Indulging our dreams. Hearing your calm voice gives me a sense of nostalgia. As if I'm home. These feelings deem me with a sense of accompaniment. As if I'm not alone anymore. My alienation from the world scared me every day because I see the word in black and white. But when I talk to you, when I see you, when I feel you , I feel " human". I feel like I have a niche. My purpose right now is to find my happiness and love you to the best of my abilities. Even if the strongest feelings between aren't manifested, I still cherish it. This feeling is what gives me the motivation to trying to talk to people more and stop isolating myself. This feeling colors my cheeks champagne pink, kisses my lilac heart, blushes my orange cheeks and gives my spring endless warm , blue skies. This feeling leaves me speechless. Just simply put, I love you. I love you. I love you. .... and that's all I ask from you as well.
Your Pimp Overlord,
I can't believe I'm turning 19 mect month either. >n< Fake I.D time! Though because of my height most people don't even believe that I'm 19 in the first place. Oh the joys of being 5"1.
I'm glad my step father is out of the hospital. He was admitted 2 days ago. Experiencing Vertigo and ect. It's kinda scary when things like this do happen as he just did have a quadrupal byass. I've tried praying. Only thing is... I kinda don't know how to pray... Am I even the kind to be praying?
I had an interesting weekend. Though I was VERY happy to get out the damn house. I went to a wedding to my mother’s child hoof friend. I STILL don’t know what to do to my hair.. so I just wore it down. It’s nice to see that it’s growing however. The wedding it’s self was alright.. THE TEXAN HEAT OUTSIDE WAS NOT! I do NOT recommend weddings outside.. luckily there was a overcast, or I would have said NO. But yea, it was the usual cheesy romantic crap, and the reception was alright as well. Then afterwards… my mother and I went to Oklahoma wither her High School “ friend” .. I put that in quotations due to the fact that her affair with this man is very obvious. More proof shall be told later, just know he’s a truck driver.. and we went to windstar casino in an 18 wheeler. Lol It was my first time in a casino.. it was VERY overwhelming, andI felt so clueless. Yet I kinda wanted to stay there for a long time. Get blasted and waste 2K. That kinda fun. Lol I managed to make a little more than I spend, so I was very proud of myself. When we were almost done, it was around 2 a.m and I was awfully sleepy. We got back on the truck and I went to sleep. ( I was later awoken to get on the top bunk..)
I won’t say all the details.. But I know you two were having sex underneath me. How could you? and then later on try to casually play it off with your usually childish playing with eachother? I silently cried.. though no tears came out. I put on my head phones, and listened to Vanitas over and over again. You can do whatever you want with your life.. but I cannot forgive you for lying to my my step father, YOUR husband who has done nothing but supported you.. Yes.. he’s moody and a lot to deal with.. I can’t stand him most of the times.. You for that matter as well.. but you cannot sit here and LIE to us. I cannot stand liars. It hurts me even more because you TOLD me yourself that you were cheating, and now you deny it, saying you’re just friends? Shame… The house…it’s so quiet now.. They don’t speak to eachother, my stepfather is in his own world dozing off into the tv.. slowly dying because of his sickness.. My mother cowers into her room… Such a tense house.
Anyhow… we went back home.. and I’m stuck in the house 24\7 again. I hope I can see Dir en grey this year.. This is NOT a good year. I’m changing it all this school year, gotta loose back the weight I gained however…